For a long time now I have debated sharing this post I originally wrote in 2017, as you can tell by the title I lost my best friend. I went a whole 22 years of my life avoiding death and funerals, until the moment I stepped through those doors where we celebrated her life.
My intention behind posting this is to really share the story and share how my mental health suffered through this. But its also a story of hope and how I healed from this loss. It was a rough time in my life, I struggled and you’ll read that in the post shortly. I really want this to give people hope that things do get better after something traumatic happens in your life, I am an example of that. I hope you learn that healing takes time, and just like any wound it takes time to heal from it.
It’s hard for me to share something so personal, but I need to practice what I preach. I tell my readers all the time that being a good blogger means you need to be vulnerable, and you do. Which is why I’m choosing to share this with you. I hope it helps you and brings you hope that you can heal from whatever it is you’re going through, whether its a loss of a loved one, a funeral, or a tough situation.
April 2017 – My Best Friends Funeral Was the First I Have Ever Attended
“2017 has by far been the most challenging and tough few months i’ve ever had to face, and its only April. On the 15th of February 2017, i received the worst phone call one can receive. I found out my best friend had passed away.
I’ve only ever suffered one other great loss in my life, and that was the passing of my grandad. I don’t remember the specific details, like what day it was, or how old i was, but i just remember feeling sad for a while, then the sadness passed and i never really thought about it again. Of course i still missed him and still do, but when you’re younger (for me anyway) i didn’t pay much attention to it.
In this instance, i’ve found it a lot harder to deal with.
It was a long 3 week wait for her funeral, and you can just imagine the type of emotions i’d been through in the build up to that. It was hard for me, so i can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was for her family and close ones.
The hardest thing for me was just the contact that i’d lost. I’d speak with her every single day, we’d tag each other in funny things on Facebook and talk about the craziest things. We had even planned a holiday this year, and thats the parts i find hard. All of the what if’s. What if i’d saw her when she’d asked to come over and i told her i was too tired. I know all of the emotions i’m feeling or the emotions i felt are perfectly normal, but they’re still no less difficult to go through.
Often I find myself sitting here, when I’m upset or crying or angry, and question myself. I often wonder if the people around me are thinking in their head “get over it, she was only your friend, move on” and i find that hard. Even though i know most of the people who love me and are there for me, won’t ever get sick of me talking about it, in my head thats how i feel. I want to talk about it sometimes, then other times i get anxiety about people bringing it up. Its so weird, and strange. I’ve never been through anything like this before.
I even question life itself. When somebody close to you passes away, it really hits home and reminds you that, you will in fact one day… die. Its not something we often think about, we make plans for years down the line, not actually knowing if we’ll ever get there, and i feel maybe thats how i saw her life. She had all these plans and wishes and she isn’t ever going to be able to achieve them, and for me, thats hard to come to terms with. She was only 21, a young soul, who had so much potential.
As a society, i don’t feel like theres enough support for people who are dealing with grief in their lives or homes. Death isn’t a topic that is often discussed, and i think that needs to change. My best friends funeral, was the first funeral I’ve ever attended. At 22 years old i never would have even imagined i’d have to grieve the death of a close friend, theres nothing in life that can truly prepare you for it.
Suffering a mental illness on top of having to deal with all the emotions that have come with it has been a challenge. I’ve been through some very dark days, some days i just didn’t want to be alone with my own thoughts. I’d definitely say that there were days i wish i wasn’t here, i’ve been so down that i didn’t even care whether i died in that moment or not, but theres always hope at the end of a dark day. You do come out of it. Everyone kept saying to me “It will get easier” and it didn’t for a long long time, and it still hasn’t, but i’d happily sit here and say I’m making my way out.“
Is there any advice that you could give to someone going through something right now? Or do you have any words of encouragement you could share?
This is a message of hope. I was at some of the lowest points in life. But I made it out and I now continue to strive to become better. There is always a way out of bad things you’re going through. Sometimes we must face them head on in order to really get through them. You are strong, and if I can get through it, so can you.