For a long time now I have debated sharing this post I originally wrote in 2017, as you can tell by the title I lost my best friend. I went a whole 22 years of my life avoiding death and funerals, until the moment I stepped through those doors where we celebrated her life.
My intention behind posting this is to really share the story and share how my mental health suffered through this. But its also a story of hope and how I healed from this loss. It was a rough time in my life, I struggled and you’ll read that in the post shortly. I really want this to give people hope that things do get better after something traumatic happens in your life, I am an example of that. I hope you learn that healing takes time, and just like any wound it takes time to heal from it.
It’s hard for me to share something so personal, but I need to practice what I preach. I tell my readers all the time that being a good blogger means you need to be vulnerable, and you do. Which is why I’m choosing to share this with you. I hope it helps you and brings you hope that you can heal from whatever it is you’re going through, whether its a loss of a loved one, a funeral, or a tough situation.
April 2017 – My Best Friends Funeral Was the First I Have Ever Attended
“2017 has by far been the most challenging and tough few months i’ve ever had to face, and its only April. On the 15th of February 2017, i received the worst phone call one can receive. I found out my best friend had passed away.
I’ve only ever suffered one other great loss in my life, and that was the passing of my grandad. I don’t remember the specific details, like what day it was, or how old i was, but i just remember feeling sad for a while, then the sadness passed and i never really thought about it again. Of course i still missed him and still do, but when you’re younger (for me anyway) i didn’t pay much attention to it.
In this instance, i’ve found it a lot harder to deal with.
It was a long 3 week wait for her funeral, and you can just imagine the type of emotions i’d been through in the build up to that. It was hard for me, so i can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was for her family and close ones.
The hardest thing for me was just the contact that i’d lost. I’d speak with her every single day, we’d tag each other in funny things on Facebook and talk about the craziest things. We had even planned a holiday this year, and thats the parts i find hard. All of the what if’s. What if i’d saw her when she’d asked to come over and i told her i was too tired. I know all of the emotions i’m feeling or the emotions i felt are perfectly normal, but they’re still no less difficult to go through.
Often I find myself sitting here, when I’m upset or crying or angry, and question myself. I often wonder if the people around me are thinking in their head “get over it, she was only your friend, move on” and i find that hard. Even though i know most of the people who love me and are there for me, won’t ever get sick of me talking about it, in my head thats how i feel. I want to talk about it sometimes, then other times i get anxiety about people bringing it up. Its so weird, and strange. I’ve never been through anything like this before.
I even question life itself. When somebody close to you passes away, it really hits home and reminds you that, you will in fact one day… die. Its not something we often think about, we make plans for years down the line, not actually knowing if we’ll ever get there, and i feel maybe thats how i saw her life. She had all these plans and wishes and she isn’t ever going to be able to achieve them, and for me, thats hard to come to terms with. She was only 21, a young soul, who had so much potential.
As a society, i don’t feel like theres enough support for people who are dealing with grief in their lives or homes. Death isn’t a topic that is often discussed, and i think that needs to change. My best friends funeral, was the first funeral I’ve ever attended. At 22 years old i never would have even imagined i’d have to grieve the death of a close friend, theres nothing in life that can truly prepare you for it.
Suffering a mental illness on top of having to deal with all the emotions that have come with it has been a challenge. I’ve been through some very dark days, some days i just didn’t want to be alone with my own thoughts. I’d definitely say that there were days i wish i wasn’t here, i’ve been so down that i didn’t even care whether i died in that moment or not, but theres always hope at the end of a dark day. You do come out of it. Everyone kept saying to me “It will get easier” and it didn’t for a long long time, and it still hasn’t, but i’d happily sit here and say I’m making my way out.“
Is there any advice that you could give to someone going through something right now? Or do you have any words of encouragement you could share?
This is a message of hope. I was at some of the lowest points in life. But I made it out and I now continue to strive to become better. There is always a way out of bad things you’re going through. Sometimes we must face them head on in order to really get through them. You are strong, and if I can get through it, so can you.
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It even feels depressive to think of something like that, I’m glad that you’re well now. Your best friend will be always there in your heart.
She will 🤗
I always think, despite how bad the situation may be, positives always prevail in the end, that helps me through everything. In your instance, the memories you made together, you will always have those memories to look back on for the rest of your life.
I agree, positives can always be seen. You just have to be looking out for them!
Michelle (Boomer Eco Crusader)
What a lovely reflection on grief. It’s an honour to your friend’s memory.
I understand what you mean about the “what ifs”. My daughter lost a close friend when she was 14 and that’s what she said “I’m sad for all the things she’ll never get to do”. It’s very sobering.
I think the “what ifs” are just apart of grief. I don’t often have those thoughts anymore but I remember having them right at the beginning. Its hard, because you have regrets, but it just makes you realise you need to appreciate and make time for people now rather than later.
I can understand that grief..how difficult to face such situation.I was 16 when my father died. That was the first ever situation I faced…that pain of losing my dearest dad.But life goes on..memories are still fresh.
So sorry to hear that. You’re right, life does go on but we get to keep those memories with us forever 🤗
Funerals are the most difficult experience to get through. I remember my brothers a few years ago and it still affects me today and proberbly will continue to until my mind moves on. Sorry to hear about your best friend and well done for getting through everything 🙂
They are aren’t they? I won’t rush to attend one anytime soon. Same to you too, we are getting through it!
So sorry about your best friend Olivia. Friendships are some of our most important/meaningful relationships. It’s the relationship and memories you had with that person that make the grief harder. There’s still a very British mentality to grieve quickly and move on, but grief is never linear – you are right, we still don’t talk about grief enough xx
You are so right, we have this thing where we all have to be strong and not show emotions. We are shielded from it and it does us no good when we grow into adults. I often wish I was more exposed to it so I would be better prepared to go through it. I guess thats a downfall of our country! xx
Ashish - Proxywords
Sorry to hear about the huge loss. I went through the same pain few years back when my best friend left this world. It really comes as a shock as we don’t at all, means don’t at all expect such news to hear. This isn’t the time to say goodbye to your friend. He is barely in his 20’s and he has left the world. We really cannot even imagine these situations; not even in our dreams. Yes, it’s really a tough situation to handle and every single sunrise reminds you of the same thing. Yet, as you have expressed through this post; it’s not the end of your friendship and you should further live the life of your friend too!
So sorry to hear about your friend. I know what you are going through. Its hard but those small reminders like you said are the things that help alot!
Ashish - Proxywords
Yes that really helps!
You are very brave for sharing this 💖 I know it will hit home for many people, so thank you for opening up and letting us in. Loss is inevitable and everyone will unfortunately have to go through it at some point. 🥺
Thank you Shelly 🤍 It is sad to think, but I hope this is a little glimmer of hope for those going through it
I’m sorry you had to lose someone so dear to you. I can understand having lost a few close ones over the years. I understand the what ifs too because I have been there before.
All we have to do is keep pushing and keeping they and their memories in our hearts forever💕💕
I think there will always be what ifs, but we just learn to accept we cant go back and change what’s already happened!
I am sooo sorry you had the experience of losing your best friend so young! Hugs!
Even though it has been more than two years, I feel you did a warm thing to share your feelings here, and may even help some of your friends family and other friends feel better. I also agree that facing things head on is best when it comes to regaining our mental health and balance.
Bless you dear heart! ❤️🦋🌀
Thank you Shelia. I appreciate your kind words 💛
Facing it head on really helped me to deal with it in a better way.
I am sorry to hear that you lost your best friend. That must be devastating. Your post shows (once again) how strong and resilient you are. Thank you for being vulnerable. Grief is a heavy cross to bear but we can help each other through the tough times. I believe it is important to feel all the conflicting feelings that come up to move through. It is hard, it is painful, it sucks. But over time, it will get better. I hope that you (and others dealing with losing loved ones) get to move through this season with support by their side who will give them a safe space to talk and be cared for. Sending you lots of love and strength 💕
Thanks so much💕 Over the years I have come to accept and move on from it. Not leaving her behind but carrying her with me in a different way than before.
Thank you for sharing your deeply touching experience Olivia. I do think grief is a process that is very individual. It takes time to walk through. And, that time is essential to build new perspective around loss and the ways in which this life will be different. There are many good resources around grief, this said, I believe one has to be ready for them. I genuinely do appreciate this sharing. It sounds like your connection to your friend is very strong. And, I like to believe, that connection lasts and far surpasses this brief time here in this life🤍.
I agree, it is so different for different people isn’t it? Which is what makes grief and the process so complex. Its different for every single person.
I am so thankful for the time I had with her, and I carry her with me everywhere in the memories and thoughts I have. And thats priceless to me 🤗
Your best friend will always live on through you as she’s on your heart Olivia. I relate to what you said regarding being young and losing your grandfather and not understanding it emotionally at a young age, feel the same regarding my grandmother. Sharing this couldn’t have been easy so I applaud and respect the courage. I’ve never had to deal with death of a close one but the older i get it becomes the inevitable that at some point it will happen. Glad you’re better now though, thanks for sharing. Enjoyed the read
Thank you so much. It can be so hard to deal with, and especially when its not really talked about in society!
Darren Owen - Living PF
I can only imagine regarding the hardship of dealing with the grief. And you’re right no one speaks about it, it’s a crucial part of mental health and in my line of work often find at times that’s where it starts. But maybe you can be the one that starts 🤔
I hope so! That was my intention behind posting this. To help others and so others can see the hope!
Thank you for sharing such a personal post! I’m sure it will be very helpful to many people experiencing a similar circumstance. Hugs to you my friend!
I really hope so! 🙂 Thanks Ena!
Im sorry for your unfortunate loss my deepest condolances to you, your friends and family. I know all to well losing loved ones. Its a pain that I have endured many times. I have found that even the darkest times run out of darkness and at some point we find that we can smile again and look back on the treasures that memories leave behind.
I am so sorry for your loss, and appreciate you sharing t your own time.
Thank you so much
Thank you for sharing your story. Greif is so hard and honestly my least favorite because its like you never get over it, you just learn to live with the pain.
You’re right, you do. Its all about dealing with your kind of new normal.
Aw..Olivia I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s truly inspiring and I’m glad you’re well now. It’s sadly a part of life and learning to cope is important but it’s still hard.
Thank you so much for reading. It is hard but I hope that this post gives others hope that they can get through the hard stuff too🤗
Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to act in vulnerability and share your story with us Olivia. It means a great deal. Death is such a universal experience that we will never truly be alone in it. I spent quite a few years trying to come to terms with this inevitability- I was diagnosed with depression three years ago and struggled to come to terms with life after an overdose. As I got older, the people around me began to pass away. I’ve attended two funerals but have experienced loss in the most personal way imaginable. The first was for my second cousin, a baby born stillborn. She never got to take a breath or open her eyes. It was heartbreaking. Her two sisters, five and six at the time, tried to read out a poem they’d written. They were too young to really understand the situation or its gravity but they could pick up on the pain and intensity of grief in the people around them. They cried and cried and cried. The second funeral was for my grandfather, who we watched die in the ICU ward. He couldn’t live with the terrible knowledge of the darkness in his family. It was too much. Then there’s my great grandmother- she’s ninety five and we don’t know how long she has less. She tells us frequently that she’s too young to die and that she hasn’t lived enough. That’s human life for you- grief at every stage. Whether the death or imminent passing is of somebody who never had a chance or somebody who has lived longer than most of us will, the grief is ever present. Inside, everyone feels young. Who you are remains the same. I don’t like to move on from grief and trauma as such. There’s no point in dismissing it. We can, however, move through it and transcend that circumstance.
Thank you so much for being so vulnerable in sharing this with us. I know sharing stories so personal is not easy.
I’m so sorry for all of the losses you have shared here. Its a really tough thing to go through.
I agree with what you said. Sometimes the trauma and grief don’t ever go away, but instead they come and go in waves rather than being there all of the time.
I don’t think grief and accepting death will ever get easier in life. We just learn to cope with it as a new part of ourselves.
Delicate and brutal
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this Olivia. I think it’s so important to allow ourselves permission to feel whatever emotions we are experiencing. By giving ourselves permission to feel this way it makes it easier to process those emotions and cope with them. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your best friend ❤
I agree! With any type of loss you must go through the motions and just feel whatever it is you’re feeling. It helps with healing 🤍
thank you for sharing, really made me reflect on my own life ❤️
Aw I’m so glad. that was the intention of this post 🤍